Yup.  That’s me, the Dog Show Floozy.  What? You mean you haven’t seen my video and pictures circulated through Facebook, Youtube, and soon to be on Huffington Post?  Well if you haven’t…PHEW!!!! I haven’t either, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t out there waiting to creep up when I least expect it!

You see, unlike other “sporting” events, showing dogs is a somewhat fancy and formal event.  Though, if they ever start showing in swishy pants and casual tops I’ll embrace with glee!  Dog show people typically wear business suits, skirts, dresses, ties, bow ties and the signature “comfort shoes.”  Comfort shoes mean no heels, and something you can run with your dog in.  This also translates to shoes that often don’t match the outfit AT ALL.  I would get more dressed up for a dog show than I would to go to my former corporate job!

So anyway, I wanted to start this year off with a bang (and I did) and entered Envy, my Portuguese Water Dog, in a show near Cleveland for the first weekend in January.  But, much to my dismay, I started off January 2015 a little heavier than December 2014 (damn holiday festivities!) and found that many of my dog show suits would take an act of GOD himself to comfortably zip.  My trusty Spanx got it close…but God forbid I have to go to the bathroom at the dog show.  It’d all come undone like a house of cards…except that is kind of what happened.  Not the going to the bathroom part but….well the all coming undone.

The show was in an arena at a fair grounds so not as dressy as many of the other shows we had recently gone to.  So I dug and I dug in my closest and found a cute knee length black skirt with a little flow and a stretchy top to fit the “girth growth” bill, paired it with control top black panty hose and a turquoise shirt and coordinating vest.  PROBLEM SOLVED.  I was presentable, I had one of my beloved vests on, the skirt was black and not the ideal color for my dog, but she has a flashy neck so I’d just stand closer to her front when I stacked her and for me, the dilemma was solved.  Except…

You see, Envy is a wicked smart dog.  She’s like a rocket on the agility course, loves obedience and would like nothing more than to play with other dogs and jump in rivers and lakes all day.  But, she is NOT a fan of conformation dog shows.  I get it.  I probably wouldn’t want some stranger staring me down, feeling me up and making me be all “controlled” to assess my best and worst attributes compared to some standard.  But, I do enjoy them, and feel that a pretty girl like her should be a champion and let everyone know she does have some nice attributes to be checked out.  So before we go into the ring for her assessment, she needs a little pep talk outside the ring.  This is usually in the form of playing with a toy, doing tricks, jumping in the air and gaiting (aka mommy and dog running) back and forth.

So in my well put together outfit if I might brag, we run back and forth and play with her toys.  She’s happy.  She’s got her tail up, she’s play bowing at me, I’m making fun noises for her and all is right in HER world for a bit.  Oh, did I mention this is an arena?  You know, an arena, the kind where there’s a lower level and then a surrounding upper level…where you can be up in the upper level and look down to see all of the dogs and people that are about to go in the ring?  Yes, an arena…and we’re on the lower level doing our pep talk.

So as we play, a kind woman comes up behind me as I stop to check and see how close I am to ring time.  She gently puts her hand on my shoulder, leans in close and whispers in my ear, “I don’t want to alarm you, but your skirt is around your knees and your ASS is completely exposed.”  SAY WHAT?!?!?  She continues on to say she didn’t want me to be on “What Not to Wear: Dog Show Edition.”  And though I’ve never seen the show, I may be making my debut there soon!

I was betrayed.  Betrayed by my outfit, by my dog (she could have had the decency to give me a wink or nod) and betrayed by the damn control top panty hose.  Had I have went barelegged like I wanted to I’d have at least felt the draft!  But noooooo, it’s January in Cleveland aka minus 50 degrees so I wore panty hose and thick ones.

I graciously thanked my confidant and added “Well shoot, you figured out my secret weapon for this judge.”  I tried to do one of those crowd scans where you’re looking around at everyone to see who might be recording, but trying not to make it obvious, all the while trying to casually find the edge of the skirt to YANK back up.

To make matters worse, they were ending the class that was right before the the class I was supposed to go in.  So I wildly tried to tether the skirt back to my body by tucking it into my panty hose and HOPE that it stayed that way for my gallivant with Envy around the ring.

It stayed…to the best of my knowledge.

And that’s how we started off 2015 as “The Dog Show Floozy.”  Never a dull moment!  From now on I’m getting pants suits…and maybe my mother-in-law was right and I did corrupt her son…NOT!

Oh why wouldn’t you zip beloved pants!